Cancer, you complete me…

I’m continuing with maintenance chemo. It’s quite delicious, a few pills every day and a 30 minute infusion, that takes about 4 hours. Time flies. No major complaints, aside from not being able to drink alcohol at will and some hand and foot issues. I get sweet sores on my feet. Supposedly the medicine can come to the surface of the palms and soles of feet, induced by heat or pressure… since you walk and stand on your feet all day… well, there’s no avoiding that. I have learned that the sores on the heel are much better than the ones on your toes or the ball of your foot. So I am thankful for this one and it’s location. Oh, the little things in life. A real treasure. It only really bothers me at night, when I’m pretending to sleep.

I did read an old article that people with skin conditions during chemo sometimes faired better in overall survival. I’m sure if I look hard enough (or not hard at all) I could find an article that explains there is no such evidence. I’ll just think what I want.

foot

It makes for impressive blisters or sores at times on the feet. I mean who wouldn’t want to walk around with something like this on their foot. It’s a toss up, between this… or having a nail driven directly into my heel. Pedal the Cause shall be interesting. Riding a bike for 20 miles (when I haven’t moved from the couch for months) with pressure induced sores seems wizardly. Sharp as a marble, my dad always told us (when we did something stupid). Blister the Cause.

Speaking of my dad… those Canadians are flying south for a week in September. That should be nice. Finally, a visit where I’m not on deaths door or having some life altering surgery that I may not survive. Knock, knock, knocking on heavens door…

Cancer… what a twat. Seriously, you never know until you have it… and having a kind that can’t be cured, blows. It changes you… a lot. My life is  a complete 180 now… or upside down? hmm… things have calmed down at least. I guess after a year and a half you start to understand things… and sort of accept them, settle in. Not much you can do otherwise. Your life is different, and everyone else’s lives are still the same. It’s the strangest thing. I find myself envious of others lives at times. The normal day to day, and evening/weekend play. It’s what it is. I guess I’m still adjusting. Cancer, you complete me…

I am thankful it’s been a year and a half… it’s bitter sweet. I’m glad I’m out of those surgeries and through my first rounds of chemo. I’m also aware of the grim outlook of a very avoidable disease, had I caught it sooner. It’s weird living scan to scan or treatment to treatment. You are almost just waiting for something to pop up or come back, as it’s almost inevitable. Worrying and wondering what in the hell is looming in the future. But then again, I could be one of the lucky ones. Someone that lives past 2.5 years… then 5 years… and hopefully, amazingly 10. It gets exhausting. I won’t lie… worrying… about something I have absolutely no control over… the unknown. Stupid cancer.

Lucy, my darling, beefy, bulldog turned one yesterday. That was exciting… (see, I need to branch out). We took her to Ted Drewes. She is now weighing in at a whopping 50lbs. That’s a whole lot of lovin’. She may be 51lbs after eating hers and Franks custard, they are in love.

A B CShe’s a beautiful lady…

Cheers.

J

 

9 thoughts on “Cancer, you complete me…”

  1. Oh Jill … so honest … so touching … and without even trying or knowing, you make us all think about how much we take for granted…hugs to you, sweet niece…

  2. Jill Mac, I am so happy that I saw you a few times this summer at Miller’s Landing. I admire you, you honesty, your humor, and your zest for life. One of my first memories of you was NBFD when you dressed for the Kentucky Derby. You are a cutie patootie. Keep kickin’ ass!!

  3. I lived a block from your Dad growing up and knew the family well ,your Dad has kept us all up on your progress . I really must say I find you a courageous and extremely funny person. I respect the way you have handled this battle you have been handed and I’m sure you will win because of determination . I am going to share this with my friends as a few of them are doing the same battle. It sucks , keep fighting and keep us posted 👍

  4. Glad things are looking somewhat up for you, love your positive attitude and humor you find in everything. Take care of your beautiful soul, and keep on truckin on!!

  5. Jill
    Your strength , determination and will power continue to dazzle me! Your sense of humour kept me giggling as I read your blog. I am wishing you all the best as you work your way through this tough time! Love your dads comment re the marble.. , I believed I may have used that once or twice with my kidlets as well !
    Love and prayers

  6. Megan’s mom had similar blisters in her fingers with that same chemo and was extremely sensitive to cold floor and anything she had to touch with her hands. Wore gloves for a long time then they switched up the chemo, 5FU I think it was…fitting name for a drug to help kill cancer. FU cancer. go home. Thanks for being so real in your posts. This one brought a tear, but I appreciate your writing and sharing as I am sure that’s extremely difficult. Try to stay positive, I believe attitude is everything, even in the darkest of times it can help. Love your dog. Sending love and light your way.

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