Can I have your attention please….

Will the real blog editor please stand up?

So… you can pretty much SCRATCH everything you read the other day… regarding Houston, Bells Palsy, etc. There is a new plan in place as of Monday this week.

Houston… has been pushed off until September (just delayed a month). I’ll still be going down there. Boots, belt buckle and bolo are packed. Giddy up!!

Next week I will go under a very tiny knife… and have the portal embolization procedure performed on Tuesday (August 18th). Die shitty right side, grow little, healthy left side… ahhh… it’s very exciting. I’ve learned it only takes about a week for the left liver to grow to the size it’s going to need to be in order to take over all liver function. Over the course of the next 6-8 weeks, the left side will learn how to perform all liver functions to support the body. This little liver of mine… I’m going to let it shine…

This girl above had the same procedure a few years ago and she’s doing just fine. Her left and right liver grew a little too much, but now she can drink more Jack Daniels than EVER. Lucky for her.

It’s a pretty amazing process when you think of it. My liver has been through the ringer already, so this should be like child’s play. I’ll likely just be off work for yet another week, with flu-like symptoms and then back at it the following week. Showing off my mad scientific genius skills at work.

Big shout out to Catfish and her hairstylist Conan, for everything she does keeping your all entertained and informed:

Here’s to another successful procedure next week. Stay tuned…

Oh and I promise to try to get some port videos out… Angela has been slacking on these… well I have too… but I am sooooo sick, I should not have to assume responsibility…

So… a lot has gone on this month….especially in the last two weeks. So much to say, so little time…. Where to start?

First, I have a new ailment….apparently there is a little known fact that chemo causes  Bells Palsy! Who knew?

While it’s not permanent….Bells Palsy does make it difficult for me to do some of the things I love the most…like playing The Rose on the harmonica, whistling Dixieland, and humming the Jaws theme while chasing people that jog by my house….I can’t wait for my half frown to turn upside down again.

I’ve been sneaking around a lot lately… trying to get some answers from my doctors regarding certain things and peeking in as many windows as possible. At times it’s like pulling teeth. I have decided to get a second opinion as a backup  plan for the future, and to make sure all the treatment I’m getting is the best path.

I think my doctors are great but at times I wonder why they are trying to turn me into a mummy!  I mean seriously I’m not contagious people.

Oh Captain my Captain and I will run off together to Houston, Texas to  one of the finest cancer centers in the country…MD Anderson. I’ll see a doctor that specializes in my very special kind of cancer…Canadian cancer is the best…it tastes like maple syrup and typically the tumors are shaped like a beaver.

I hope to gain some more knowledge of what’s going on and start a beautiful new relationship down there…no not with an armadillo a doctor…just in case anything unexpected were to come up and treatment was not available in St. Louis.  I also love doctors that wear cowboy hats, chaps, and spurs and Texas was the only state that assured this.

As of now, things are going really great here with treatments, etc.  I’m still in the honeymoon stage with chemo. Loving it and just can’t get enough. I love getting off on every other Friday. Ahhh. I guess things are going as scheduled originally. I’ll continue with chemo here….I just finished round #9 of chemo…lucky number 9!  As you can see my organs look great!

I’m supposed to be getting scheduled in the near future for the portal embolization. For those of you with memories like me, that is where they block off a blood supply to one side (my right side) of the liver to promote growth in the healthy side of my liver. Then in 6-8 weeks from that procedure they can hopefully remove the entire right side of my liver which is hoarding tumors like old ladies hoard cats. Then I’ll hopefully be free of the old ball and chain..,cancer that is.

Thanks for all the support! Remember.,,if you see someone creeping around that looks like this….call the police.

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Yo. It’s that time again. Round 8. Crikey!

Round 7 proved to be less than heavenly. Which in some cases…is actually a good thing! I prefer my feet on the ground…wings are highly overrated because they are hard to keep clean (as evidenced by all those poor birds in the Gulf after the BP oil spill) and they make any “sitting event” (like a Cards game) very uncomfortable. I know this first hand because I was once employed as a team mascot for the Toronto Blue Jays…that ended very  badly after I beaked some hecklers….anyway back to chemo.

All went well though, I survived. Hopefully as the chemo builds back up in my system my super powers will too.

Cold sensitivity was not at it’s peak, but I assume it will rear it’s frigid head again this week. My brain power is at about a negative two. I guess chemo brain is real, contrary to the popular opinion of donkeys in Western Europe. I now carry an abacus for basic counting skills like making change at the cigar shop or when buying coconuts at the farmers’ market.  They need to make them smaller because they are hard to carry…I may invent a pocket abacus!

I plan on rolling into my treatment with my iPad and an Odoul’s. I need to test the nursing staff. I had a private room last week…they are trying to separate me from the general population at the Siteman Center! I mean who knew there was solitary confinement for cancer patients?! They can’t hide me forever…I will make my way back into general population.

Mr. Wonders should be there this week. I finally heard back from him. He had gone missing for awhile again…perhaps he too was placed in the “hole” for bad behavior.

I met with my colon specialist Monday. I think he was impressed with my abilities to push in the stool. He made mention of some issues…mental only though, so not to worry.

Hmm…what else?  I’ve been working still…part-time ish because I’ve been really tired this past round. Fatigue is also real…not the Army kind.

I had the opportunity to join Teri Griege last night in presenting Nikki Christ’s niece, Emily Linneman, the Powered by Hope medal (or the Hope Diamond, as I like to call it). That was a pretty amazing experience to be a part of. Of course Teri immediately put us to work in her sweat shop of Hope. Her lovely assistant, Joy, was just a dream to do business with. Oh, and of course camera Dan.

It’s was pretty fantastic to see the family and all of their supporters in person. You could really feel the love in the room…I made a point to touch as many people as I could to feel more love but I was quickly labeled as creepy and asked to leave.

Which brings me to my next point… I just wanted to thank everyone for their continued prayers and support. Through words of encouragement or just keeping me in their thoughts, it absolutely means the world to me to know I have everyone behind me. I wanted to thank those of you who have taken the time to read through my Pedal the Cause page and also thank anyone who has donated. I think raising money is a big deal, but raising awareness is also key.

So thank you, from the bottom of my liver!

I’m glad to announce that chemo #7 is in the books with no issues!  However, chemo really does make Jill angerer…I mean she seriously looks like the German goalie Nadine Angerer right?!

Of course, they are both angry women…but for different reasons.  Angerer is mad because they blew the number 1 spot and lost to the USA women in the World Cup (insert loud cheers)…Jill is angry because Apple Inc. just sent her a letter saying that she did NOT get hired as their new technical support manager for the Cloud.  I mean…I have to admit, I was a little surprised by this shun from Apple after Jill offered me this great technical advice just today.

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Now that my i-Phone is in the cloud I feel much more secure…thanks Jill you’re the best!

Seriously though, chemo is nothing to joke about! The mere thought of it brings out many emotions in Jill…pain…dread….fear…

Oh wait…that was just more gas…sorry guys.

Everyone has asked how Jill is handling everything so well and with such a positive attitude.  We thought we really owed it to everyone to share her secret to happiness.

So basically, there are 3 main ways that she is keeping it together and maintaining such a fun and upbeat attitude through this challenge.
#1…Yep you guessed it… pills…lots and lots of pills.  You got ’em she’ll take ’em folks! Anything from plant vitamins to horse tranquilizers! She’s like a walking Pez dispenser except pills go in…not out.  It’s seriously like watching Pac Man…she has pills hidden all over her house and she just walks around scooping them up in her giant mouth and eating them as if they were not even solid objects…like they’re air.  It’s weird…but whatever it takes right?!

#2…estrogen patches!!  After her hysterectomy things got a little dicey.  One night in the Tiki Bar she announced that she was “homicidally depressed” and went to get a knife from the kitchen…you know the knife…that giant one that Michael used in all of those Halloween movies…well…things got real…real fast!  I mean is there even such a thing as “homicidally depressed”?!  She said she was grouchy and just wanted to kill everyone else…well we took that to heart and have put 3 estrogen patches on her this week alone!!  She’s not aware of that fact so if you see her please don’t mention the “extra” patches on her back…it makes our lives a lot easier…and she’s real happy!

Last but certainly not least…she went to a natural healing doctor…Dr. Harrie Bush…who told her the key to positive energy and healing was drinking your own warm urine….gross I agree…but desperate times call for desperate measures folks.

Not everyday is sunshine and butterflies though.  Yesterday was especially challenging if you haven’t heard.  There was a giant ball of stitches in her incision that was causing irritation…I mean it when I say giant…it must have been like walking around with a human-centipede trying to crawl out of her stomach.

They had to cut through her fatty layer to get it out…thankfully it was her stomach and not her butt cheek…that would have taken a chain saw.  Now she has to pack a giant hole in her stomach and there’s a piece of gauze sticking out so she looks like one of those things you pull numbers out of at the deli in Schnucks!  

I keep pulling it out and acting like it’s the winning ticket in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory…she’s getting annoyed…at least I think so…number 138!!!  She really likes adding the packing…it makes her Thanks for all the support!  Keep sending the prayers and positive vibes Jill’s way please! I think there has been a transition from panda to sloth. Watch for old Two Toes to continue to make progress… Slowly, but surely. Your support in any way is clearly making an impact on her improvements. Thank you again.

Howdy y’all. It’s that time again. Getting geared up for another fantastic round of chemo. Yeah, that’s right. Looking forward to endless Luke warm beverages and ending my trend of 4am ice cream each day.

I have returned to work this week. Just working half days for awhile. Build up my tolerance to Jerry. Order has been restored!!

I am feeling a little better each day. Well enough, anyway. Thank you again for all of your support.

Friday morning I start back up on the chemo cocktail. It’s good stuff. Real good like. I think Captain Chemo  will be joining me. My little Che-mo sah-bee. Hopefully there will be someone to terrorize and Mr. Wonders and I will be in sync with treatments again. It’s always nice to see his smiling face. I saw him a few weeks back, he’s still waiting on a transplant.  If you have any extra positive energy, direct it his way. I would love to see this man get himself a new liver. He is quite the carpenter; he has shared photos of bird houses he has built with us. Very talented guy. I’m sure he’s writing something nice about me in his blog right now too. How cool I look in a T-shirt. Toting my IV pump around. You guys would really be impressed.

Anywho, onward. Hope you’re all still awake from this riveting update. If you’ve fallen off the edge of your seat in anticipation of something truly exciting I apologize.

6/20/15

Met with my Oncologist yesterday. It sounds like all is well as of right now. I’m going to get another 4 weeks of healing in and then off to chemo. I’ll get another 6 treatments, on alternating weeks, starting July 17th.

I assume that somewhere during that 12 week period I may undergo the liver embolization procedure (where they block off blood supply to part of your liver to stimulate growth on one side and stop providing nutrition to the other tumored side).  Well see though. I guess each person heals at a different rate.  My body should be in rapid healing mode, since I don’t put anything bad into it anymore. I miss you alcohol… you make my jokes funny and other peoples jokes funny… Ugh… I don’t miss the dispatcher at Laclede Cab… That lady needs a spanking.

Hmm… What else??? I wore pants and a belt for the first time a few days ago… I carried my own laundry up the stairs the other day… SIDEBAR–JT was so sweet to carry my laundry down the stairs for me a week or two ago… Sadly, as she pranced down my basement stairs, confidently, she crumbled at the bottom of the stairs, I guess missing the last step… Luckily she wasn’t injured. If she had been, there’s a tarp down there… I could have covered her up and masked the smell for awhile since there is no front tenant currently.

Other than that… Nothing else exciting. I guess I’ll just be around… Watch for a really pale, thin upper body, elderly person walking the streets near Fairview….  That’s me… Racing around the neighborhood like a two toed sloth. Pandas are over… Sloths are in…

A little speed bump has occurred in the road to recovery.  Over the weekend Jill was having a lot of pain in her left side…which was a perfect opportunity for her to sport this shirt.

However, as it turns out she wasn’t fine.  She had two follow-up appointments yesterday with Doctor Hawkins (liver surgeon) and Doctor Wise (colon surgeon). She was still having a lot of pain so they scheduled a CT scan for this morning.

The scan showed something they believed was an abscess on the left lobe of her liver where they did the resections.  This is not uncommon after liver surgery but certainly not ideal…of course it can be fatal if left untreated…and as we all know….

Next step…getting admitted to the 16th floor again.  It was like a high school reunion with the nursing staff…I think they expected a circus to follow Jill in…or at least one fully dressed mascot.

We met a new nurse who was quickly nicknamed “Bloodbath” after she collapsed two of Jill’s veins and then proceeded to shoot blood all over her pillow.  We told her it would be hard to write a blog entry explaining Jill bled to death getting an IV.
Oddly her bloodwork shows her white blood cell count is fine and there is no fever just pain. They have started her on a strong dose of antibiotics…it is basically the abscess that’s not an abscess.  Nothing is easy or black and white.  The plan is to keep her overnight and reassess to make sure they don’t want to drain the spot they’re seeing on the scan.  They said it could just be fluid where they did a tumor resection during surgery.  Who knows?

She had an “incident” in the Doctor’s office yesterday.  I somehow managed to break the footstool on the exam table trying to put it up.  It was a precarious position to be in since Jill was propped up on the table.  If  anyone would have walked in it would have looked very similar to an OBGYN exam.  Little did I know …Jill was holding in a large amount of gas….like the size I picture elephants having after eating a field of broccoli.

Well…needless to say, before I was able to fix the footstool it was released.  I firmly believe if I would have had this wind turbine hat on that I could have powered my house for at least 3 years.

Looking back, we pictured it looking like a model with a large wind fan blowing her hair back.  Unfortunately Jill laughed so hard it caused enough pain that she cried a little baby panda tear.

The appointment did establish Jill’s new them song…”She’s Like the Wind” (Patrick Swayze).

I think they must have known about her gas because they made her put on these sweet pants when she got to the room today.   They blew up within 2 minutes.

We will keep everyone posted.  Hopefully she will be released in the morning…and we’re just as hopeful more gas won’t be released.

So I’ve had a lot of time on my hands being off work and all…I’ve found myself watching a lot of TMZ and reading People Magazine articles which is unusual for me.  I must admit that I’ve been very intrigued by all of media around the Bruce Jenner transition to Caitlyn.

I began to wonder this week what I would look like if I transitioned…don’t fret Panther Dan and P. Kitty…I’m not transitioning into the son you’ve always wanted…but seriously…this is what I would look like on a bad day.

And maybe on a good day…

Being a guy would have it’s benefits…especially this week since I found out I was pregnant!  Oops…it’s actually not a baby it’s just a little cancer on an ovary (not to be confused with ovarian cancer-NOT AT ALL THE SAME). It had just spread there too!!!! YAY!!!

Just when we thought two cancer locations were a crowd, I’m having a threesome!  My colon and liver are not happy since the ovaries have already been ripped from my body…now they can’t play together.

Oh well, I’ve got to give a shout out to Dr. Gray-Swain (OBGYN see link) and Dr. Andrea Hagemann (OBGYN Oncologist surgeon) for catching that one and doing a full hysterectomy during my surgery.  At the follow up appointment today Dr. Hagemann confirmed the pathology report from surgery that the right ovary had metastatic cancer.  Good that we caught it. It was very small, but present. I had already read the pathology report the day before online, so we wanted to thank Dr. Hagemann for all of her great work.

Poor Dr. Hagemann though, she will never be the same. 

For some reason, a stop was made in the gift shop at the Center for Advanced Medicine before my appointment…it was there, that the decision was made that we should buy some of THESE to hide under the sheet to surprise Dr. Hagemann when she went in for a closer look of my lady parts.

This movie should tell you the whole story…

I (JILL), have got to interject here. This video… Ugh!

I would just like to point out that there was an epic failure by the cameraman in this video!!! Little miss perfect really blew it!! Big mistake, HUGE!!!

Dr Hagemanns reaction was awesome, by the way. First a look of terror and extreme confusion, stepping back away from the table, as there was sound and no visual yet.  When I flipped up the sheet a little, laughing, she came forward, curious, but still cautious. As she looked under the sheet and saw the, now resting, teeth, her head snapped back with her mouth agape in a silent smile of shock.  I was laughing, Angela too. I pointed at Angela and said “she made me do it!”, Dr Hagemann whipped her head around to angela, now laughing pretty hysterically also.

She informed us that it was a “first”, which we were pretty proud of. She also told us we had just made her day. Not many patients can claim that.

Shes so amazing!!

I’ve been trying to decide how to tell everyone this great news…we thought birth announcements would be nice.  Of course we actually got a picture of my uterus to include on the announcement!

My ovary was born to rock for sure…stay tuned for my next adventure.

Bonjour!

just a quick update. Not much to report. I have sinned 1000673 times since my last confession… I mean blog entry.

My mom left this morning to head on back to the great country of Canada. She is expected to play goal in game 3 of the World Cup pool play. She managed to stay in great shape the last two weeks, by cleaning up my entire back yard. It was quite a transformation to say the least.  I will decline a Bruce Jenner joke here, since I too have recently been going through some “changes”.  Pot-Caitlyn…

Apparently, since Paulette left I am now entrusted with my own upkeep, care and well being. I will be fine, don’t worry. Or fake it, til you make it, or something… Fake it, while you’re naked? We’ll just see how things go.

Ive been feeling much better obviously, since I did a fake poke dance today for a friends 30th bday, on their party bus. It seemed equivalent to going for a walk, as I’m instructed to do multiple daily. Walks that is….

Anywho, this week I don’t have much slated. Couple of doctors visits and I guess rest.  My “extreme fatigue”, as they had warned, seems to come and go. It’s weird and wonderful to still be losing weight, but it’s not healthy at this time, so hopefully I can start putting on some pounds rather than losing them.  Do not be fooled, I have not been hitting the gym… Or dieting…

One more quick update, as of now, I’m obviously not able to work. So I’m off for June. I should find out next week from my appointments when chemo will start again. They had said six weeks post surgery, so likely late June or early July. The plan last time I heard was to do a couple of or a few rounds of chemo and then try for another procedure leading up to another surgery. I believe single rounds of chemo consist of four treatments, so each round takes about two months. Well see though. It would be nice to have the summer just with chemo, as there are a few of us signed up or Pedal the Cause St. Louis in September (little 15 mile ride this year-hopefully longer next year).

Cheers.

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For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of viewing Jill’s new zipper…this is the pre-staple removal picture…yes that’s pure fear in Beans’ eyes as the doctor approached with a pair of pliers to rip out the 35+ staples which were holding her together for the past 14 days.  I quite like this picture because the weird angle makes her look super distorted with tiny little arms and hands.

Fortunately, it wasn’t as painful as she was anticipating…it was all going very well until she pretended to faint as an excuse to pass gas…apparently flatulence is not as frowned upon by the care givers in the hospital if they believe you are unconscious when it happens.  I’m not 100% sure the physician’s assistant fell for her act though since she put on her mask immediately after the incident.

Within minutes all the staples were out and Jill is now left with this beauty…ahhhh the stories we will be able to create with this scar for all those future trips to the beach.  I’m leaning towards a story that involves Jill carrying a stone baby around for the past 20 years like that lady did in Brazil.

She is experiencing some weird and unpredicted side effects…presumably from the chemo or possibly from the fact that she is missing numerous organs now and her body doesn’t know what to do with the extra space.  Her feet have started growing about 1/2 size per day!  She’s wearing a size 20 now…weird.  Thankfully Nordstroms supplies shoes for NBA players so we took a trip out there.  I think her dreams of becoming a ballerina are now officially over. 

She’s also having trouble reading small print since her surgery…thankfully since we’re all over 40 we have plenty of readers laying around.  I must admit…it is fairly creepy seeing her sit in her leather recliner with readers flipping through the pages of Penthouse for hours and hours upon end.  We’re pretty sure her eyes are actually ok…she just forgets to open them most of the time and starts yelling that she can’t see…oxycodone you must go away soon.For the most part she’s doing great…back up to 5,000+ steps daily…that’s almost as many naps as she takes a day!

Thanks for all of the prayers and support…please keep them coming!